What Even Is Anticipatory Grief?
When you hear grief, or someone is grieving, what comes to mind? Are you thinking, “well someone must have passed”? You are not alone in this thought process and, some of the time, you’re not wrong. However, what if I told you, grief can surface even before someone has died or a life changing event has occurred?
This is known as anticipatory grief; have you heard of this term before? If not, this blog article is for you! If you have heard of this term, fantastic and I welcome you to also continue reading this blog as you may learn something new! I’ll talk about:
What anticipatory grief is,
When and how it shows up,
The symptoms of anticipatory grief, and
Ways to begin coping with this type of grief
Before I do, I want to highlight (and respond to) some of the most common thoughts/comments that can come from those who are experiencing anticipatory grief.
“How long after their passing can i start therapy/seeking support?”
BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER!!! This can be one of the most common misconceptions to grief; a death does not have to occur in order for you to experience grief and/or engage in therapy or seek support. I’ll touch on this a little more further down in this article but grief can surface as early as learning of a life changing event (whatever that might be); even if it doesn’t involve a death. With that, it’s never too early to start seeking support or engaging in therapy.
“I know i shouldn’t be sad and just enjoy the time left.”
Guess what? You get to do both! Your feelings of sadness are just as valid as enjoying the time you have left with your person (or the time left before the life changing event). If you have this thought/experience, I encourage you to welcome something known as the BOTH/AND into your grief journey. In doing this, you’re allowing both sadness and joy (or whatever positive and negative emotion(s) are coming up for you) to be present simultaneously. You can do this in two easy steps:
Acknowledge the emotion
Validate the emotion and it’s reason for being there
You may also choose to share the emotion with your support system around you. Whatever you do, I encourage you to refrain from casting judgement or shame on yourself.
“It’s weird. they’re still here but it feels like they’re gone.”
This is a valid and natural response! This experience taps into something known as ambiguous loss which is most commonly experienced with non-death losses. It can also show up when we’re anticipating a loss from a degenerative disease such as Alzheimer’s. If this experience shows up for you, know that this is a common response to anticipatory grief.
“I don’t want to be Morbid and talk about the end with them.”
It’s not morbid; it’s proactive! Keep reading for tips on how to effectively talk about the end with your loved one (or prepare for your life changing event) that will help both you and your person. Listen to my pre-planning in grief podcast series (episodes #26 - #30) for more information on how to effectively navigate anticipatory grief.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief can also be referred to as:
Anticipatory loss or
Preparatory grief
and it’s the distress caused by an impending loss. “It’s the experience of knowing that change is coming and experiencing bereavement in the face of that.” (Werner-Lin, 2020).
How anticipatory grief develops
As I mentioned, anticipatory grief is the type of grief that comes when we are expecting a loss. Situations in which you may experience this type of grief can include but are not limited to:
A diagnosis or progression of a degenerative disease (i.e. Alzheimer’s, Dementia, Parkinson’s, MS, etc.)
Diagnosis or progression of terminal illness
End-of-life care
Anticipating the death of a pet
It can also be experienced with ambiguous/living losses such as:
Amputation
Waiting for an organ transplant
Loss of job/beginning new job
Entering a new phase/stage of life such as going to college or becoming an empty nester
Anticipatory Grief Onset
Anticipatory grief is grief experienced before the actual loss has occurred; whether it’s a common or ambiguous/living loss. This means anticipatory grief can be experienced during the dying process or, as I mentioned, it can surface as early as learning of the diagnosis (or life changing event). Even if much impact hasn’t happened, you may experience grief as soon as you learn a change is coming. It’s important to keep in mind, grief will morph and look different as your situation changes.
Anticipatory grief symptoms
The symptoms of anticipatory grief are very similar to that of conventional grief (the grief experienced after a loss). You may experience a range of emotions such as:
Anger/irritability
Sadness
Guilt
Dread
Longing
Where, I believe, the symptoms differ are through how it shows up and when (discussed above).
Anticipatory Grief: Coping Skills
While this type of grief may seem uncommon and isolating, know that you are not alone and there are many resources available to you to help you honor this grief journey the same way you would one following a life changing event.
I’ve separated the various resources into two different categories: coping skills you can utilize on your own and ones you can utilize with the guidance of a professional.
Coping skills: on your own
If you are looking to approach your experience a little more independently, you may consider using the following resources and skills: (***Something to remember. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the majority of the grief work independently. If you choose this is the best route for you, I do still encourage you to refrain from isolation as a general rule of thumb when it comes to mental well-being.)
Do some pre-planning
Have conversation with your loved one (discussing both the present and future)
Make memories in the time you have left
Don’t be afraid to lean on your support system(s) allowing space for you to take a grief break
coping Skills: with some guidance
If you are wanting an approach that feels more guided, you may consider the following resources:
Pre-planning with the guidance of the funeral home staff, an estate planner, a lawyer, etc.
Therapy; whether individual, family, or group (if you’re curious about this option, take advantage of my free grief therapy consultation to learn what our time working together might look like.)
Support groups
Anticipatory Grief exercise
Many times throughout this blog, I mention creating memories and having conversation with your loved one(s) while you can to help you navigate the change you’re expecting. However, I realize that’s easier said than done; particularly for the reason of not knowing what to say or ask when having conversation. Not to worry! I’ve created the exercise below to help guide you in this process.
Anticipatory grief: an exercise of honor
When you and your loved one(s) are in a safe space with minimal distractions, I encourage you to explore the following questions:
What wishes or hopes do you have for your funeral?
How can I show up for you during this time?
What fears/unresolved issues do you have? Do you wish to address any of these in the time that’s left?
How do you want to be remembered?
What are you most proud of when looking back on your life and all you’ve accomplished?
Is there anything you would have done differently? If so, what and why?
What memory (or memories) do you cherish the most?
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?
If you could leave one message behind, what would it be?
May I share my answers to some of these same questions?
Remember, you DO NOT have to explore all these questions in one sitting. They can be heavy. I encourage you to start with maybe two or three questions you’d like to explore and go from there.
Similar to conventional grief (grief experienced after a loved one has passed or a life changing event has occurred), you get to walk and honor your anticipatory grief journey in a way that feels true to you. If you’d like guidance along your anticipatory grief journey, schedule your free grief therapy consultation to begin!
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Grief Therapist
