What Is A “Safe” Support System?
In previous blogs and podcast episodes, you may have heard me refer to building and establishing a “safe” support system. When discussing this with clients, I often get the question of “what do you mean by safe?” and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear you are also having the same thought/question. This month, I will answer this exact question, as well as identify some of the most common traits (and their manifestations) that build the foundation of a “safe” support system.
“Safe” Support System: Definition
When you think of “safe” in reference to those you are leaning on for support, what comes to mind? There are two forms of safety we want to take into consideration:
Physical Safety
Mental/Emotional Safety
While both are important, the safety piece that gets overlooked and carries uncertainty around what is looks like is the mental and emotional safety. So when I dive into deep conversation around creating a safe support system, I (of course) ensure you’re physically safe and then I really explore and help you identify how you can foster mentally and emotionally safe support systems.
I define a “safe” support system as the following:
A singular (or set of) individual(s) that are sought out in times of emotional and/or mental distress in attempts to receive understanding, empathy and/or distraction to cope.
Let’s break down the characteristics (and their manifestations) of the above definition.
“Safe” Support System: Characteristics
To best map out and describe/explain the characteristics of a safe support system, I’ve created the following acronym:
S table/Stability, A ccountability, F ree of judgement, E ncouraging
Stable/Stability: when building a safe support system, you want someone who will offer stability. Someone who you know will hold the experiences and feelings you’re expressing with care.
***Disclaimer!!! Stability DOES NOT mean the person you are going to for support is free of hardships. They are human; they also get to have their battles. Stability refers to your support system’s ability to communicate WHEN they are able to hold space for you amongst their own journey. In times they aren’t able to, they have an ability to set appropriate boundaries.
Accountability: support is filled with two types of individuals; those who agree with you/say “yes” to anything and those who will challenge you when appropriate. We can benefit from both so it’s important to have a balance between the two.
Free of judgement: this one is pretty straight forward; when looking to lean on someone for support, you want it to be a space free of judgement. Read on to the manifestations section to get an idea of what a support system free of judgment might look like.
Encouraging: it goes without saying, encouragement goes a long way when receiving support; whether you’re going through a difficult time or a phase of life that’s exciting.
To further help you look for, build and establish a safe support system, it’s important to understand how the characteristics of a safe support system described above can manifest.
“Safe” Support System: Manifestations
As I’ve mentioned in many previous blog articles and Best Self Therapy YouTube videos, the way in which mental illness and health manifests looks different for everyone. However, when it comes to building a safe support system, there are themes I encourage people to look for:
Manifestation of Stability: a stable support system will look like someone who doesn’t leave you feeling as though you need to mute your experience of grief/anxiety/depression in order to protect whomever you’re speaking to. A stable support system is filled with individuals who hold space for the focus to remain on you rather than create an environment in which you need to take care of them following what you’ve shared about the hardship you are facing. It will also look like respecting your space and meeting you where you’re at (i.e. they don’t offer what they believe needs to happen unless, of course, they ask you if you want their opinion [see Accountability above]).
Manifestation of Accountability: having accountability within your support system refers to surrounding yourself with people who will hold you accountable to the goals you have towards your healing. This involves respectfully challenging you and offering a different perspective when appropriate.
Manifestation of Judgement Free: a judgement free support system is one filled with people who will meet you with unconditional love, people who are going to take the time to understand your experience, and remain curious/ask questions when they don’t fully understand.
Manifestation of Encouragement: words of encouragement sound as simple as “you’ve got this” to something more intimate such as “I know this is hard for you and there are no magic words to take it all away. I want you to know, I am here for you and I will help in any way I can!”
If, while reading these manifestations, you think “well these sound really nice but I’m not quite getting those from my support system”, that’s okay! You’re not alone! If it’s possible, I encourage you to talk to those in your support system, express gratitude for the ways in which they’ve already helped you (or attempt to), and ask them for what you need to further the benefit of the support you’re receiving and they’re providing. This will more than likely take the form of setting boundaries; allowing you to advocate for a form of support that feels right and fits for you.
If you’re getting stuck anywhere in this process, that is okay! Building a safe support system happens over time. If you’re interested in personalized guidance in this area, I encourage you to schedule your FREE 15 minute consultation below to learn what our time working together might look like.
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Grief Counselor
